Monday, May 27, 2013

Manic Monday

Sometimes, I run out of words to write about, or maybe, I have too much words up in my head that I can't really make out what I want to relay.

Well, it's not really trying to sound smart, it's just somewhat trying to please yourself in ways that no one else could.

There are times when we get too caught up in the idea of getting the approval of others; may it be in the clothes we wear, the songs we like, the jokes we crack. And worse, during these times, we forget what really makes ourselves happy.

Maybe, if we just step out of the trying-to-please-other-people-zone, we may realize that happiness can be found in the simplest of things. I've found happiness by wearing the brightest shirt I own. How about you? :)

Friday, May 24, 2013

In High Spirits

Photos by Kaye
There was this inexplicable feeling that just surged in me when I got out of bed today. There was a smile plastered on my face, I just got up feeling all good & excited to start my day. The very opposite of the days of raping the snooze button & episodes of me, dragging me to the bathroom. Funny thing is, it came out of nowhere. It was a random seed thrown to me from oblivion, & the feeling just sprouted into happiness. It's a whimsical, powerful force inside, followed with a faint whisper that said: "it's time to start anew".
The only difference there is from starting anew then & now was, at this time, I didn't have to hit rock bottom to realize that change is mandatory. I just felt like it. And I conclude that it's a good sign. This has got to be my queue. I got my mojo back. :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

From his (no, not his!) view-point.

Blazer - G2000 Woman
Shirt - St. Francis Square
Floral Leggings - Divi
Kicks - Gift
Shoe laces - Robinson's Dept. Store
"He hadn't told her, because as much as it hurts to think about it, it would hurt even more to discuss.
While she wore her emotions like an old suit, tattered but open to view, he held his within. His stoic seriousness as much a survival mechanism as his often misplaced sense of humor.
He was hiding a hurt so deep that it powered his single-mindedness.."

Thursday, May 9, 2013

This is based on a (not so) True Story Version 1.2

Vest - DIY
Jeans - Wrangler
Boots - Thrifted
Today is the day. She is smiling triumphantly because she is already afloat amidst the calm sea. She almost drowned, though. From her own tears, that is. She surpassed the storm of crazy emotions that struck her the past couple of days. Emotionally exhausting that was, but none of it matters to her anymore.
She was ready to end the day, but fate decided to tweak the plot just one last time.
It was another familiar setting: blasting sounds from the karaoke machine; the stench of alcohol; the reek of cigarettes ensuing clouds that hovered lazily. She takes a short trip down memory lane. It was quick, but the memories were clear, too clear. He's yet to arrive, but the glimpses of the past beat him there. She blinked them away. She was still sure she will get through this with her head held up high.
Then everything was a blur. The next thing they knew, they were lost in their own world. In between puffs of smoke & the gulps of beer, they talked. About a lot. Probably, to make up for the time lost, even though it wasn't really meant for them. He said a lot. A whole lot. After their little exchange of goodbyes over email, she never expected another episode of drama. Her tear ducts are still too sore from last session's overuse. Much to her surprise, he intrepidly admitted his faults, shortcomings, whatever it is that he could never, ever give her. She was flabbergasted as he unveiled a good portion of his emotions this time. She has tried oh-so-hard to undress him of his inhibitions from before, but now, he's stripping, almost bare.
The deep sighs, the endless sobs.. But no matter how much they cry, the fact that "it just can't be" still remains. No, not in this lifetime. The talk has turned into blubber now. Of apologies, and of thanks, for being part of each other's lives.
And the promise.
The promise that in the next life, it would be their turn. They would then be together. No more shitty ordeals, they will simply be together.
She woke up with puffy eyes & a heavy head. With vivid memories in tow, she faced the day smiling. Smiling the way she did before she was supposed to end the day. She was able to prove to herself that it was true. What they had was true. And for once in her life, she was given the closure that she needed..

Sunday, May 5, 2013

This is based on a (not so) True Story.

She has come into terms with acceptance. Just like him, she has managed to get on with her life, yet they kept the thin thread of friendship that bound them. The informal farewell sent her to Cryingville yet again, but not him. He was quite touched with the little exchange of drama over emails. Touched, but not moved. Then again, they went on with their lives, still bound with that thin thread.

The countdown to the day of going away didn't really hurt her that bad. In fact, she felt free after her crying spree. A lot of suppressed emotional baggage were unpacked during that session. It felt good, alright. To the point that she was ready, ready enough to face the days to come of knowing he's out of life for good.

With a smile on her face, she was strolling amidst the holiday-emptied streets. Yes, she is ready. It felt so real at that moment. That moment when goodbye didn't sting anymore.

(Or so she thought.)


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

You + Me = The Worst Case of Not Meant to Be

Blazer - G2000 Woman
Button down top - Bossini
Pumps - Celine
Clutch - Thrifted
Faring in life slowly this time. Missing the excitement of the extreme lifestyle, but not giving into temptation. The urge isn't that hard to contain anymore. You've learned your lesson. It feels different to savor the moments. Entirely different.
Just chilling, and living by the so-so days. Everything's quite good, and then BAM. You heard something from him. Double BAM. He's leaving BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
It felt sad, alright. But after giving it some time to sink in; to let your mind devour on each & every word, something began to creep all over you. All the hair in your entire body stood at its end. That heart-crushing feeling, so familiar. Then the warm liquid is welling up in our eyes.. More familiar. Then it starts rolling down one by one, in alternating, gushing streaks. Now that's it. Here we go again.
It's really not the because of the hopes of getting back together. That thought has already been locked up in one of the attics of your cerebellum. There weren't really any hopes to begin with, because THAT, that hope.. it was the one that screwed you up mentally & emotionally in the first place, so it's a big NO-NO. It's just because this 'leaving' thing? It's a dead-end. The casual his & goodbyes, the occasional chit-chat, all those petty things. The thin-thin thread that held you two together, soon all gone. Into oblivion.
It's for the best, they all say. And you convince yourself of that, too. But there's just no calming down the tears. They are on a roll now. You just close your eyes & think that maybe, just maybe.. In the next life, the stars will be a little more kind. And then, your souls will intertwine..

Monday, April 8, 2013

Lovesick. For No One.

I've unwillingly handed him the power to make my heart thump  at its fastest one second, & crush it to the finest bits the next..

I'm not sure how or why I've let it happen, and I'm not sure  if I'd want it to end..

Maybe because it's at least I have a part of him..? No. It's more of the other way around.  And I think I may be enjoying this bittersweet curse he has bestowed upon me.

Maybe, just maybe.. I am not ready to give it up yet.

Blazer - Divi
Shirt - St. Francis
Jeans - Wrangler
Sneakers - SM department store